Originally published on April 23, 2020 by Ross Murray in McSweeney’s
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth,
I am writing to you as interim president of the Dunsinane Estates Condo Association to express serious concerns about recent activities on your part as well as violations of the association’s regulations and rules of conduct.
I confess it is with trepidation that I write this note, given that Mr. Macbeth and I are both candidates in the upcoming condo board election to replace our previous president, Mr. Duncan, whose unexplained disappearance has left a void in the association leadership. Nonetheless, your recent behavior leaves me no choice but to address you on the board’s behalf. Perhaps they did things differently when you resided at Cawdor Developments, but here at Dunsinane we live by exemplary standards.
I appreciate that you are entitled to your lifestyle choices, Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth, but not when said choices infringe on those of your neighbors. For example, while family visits are certainly permitted, the recent stay by Mr. Macbeth’s so-called “sisters” greatly perturbed the residents with their cackling, chanting and writhing in the mail area. Withered and so wild in their attire, loud and unnerving, not to mention the beards, the sisters were, to be blunt, weird.
Which brings me to a more serious matter, namely the unauthorized use of a cauldron, in non-conformity with Article 32.7: “Installation of Appliances.” See also Article 33.2: “Proper Ventilation” in regards to the horrendous cooking odors. I know I am not alone in stating that it is next to impossible to rid one’s clothing of the smell of eye of newt.
Furthermore, while I have not had visual confirmation, I have heard enough accounts to suspect that you are also in violation of our no-pets policy. According to reports, thrice the brinded cat has mewed, thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. Toads have been mentioned.
In addition, several residents have remarked on your failure to adequately clean bloodstains in the utility area.
Then there is the issue of general behavior. We have received numerous complaints about loud plotting as well as general vociferous scheming. Mrs. Macbeth has earned specific notice for haranguing, emasculating and threatening to bash the skulls of nursing babies, which, while not a bylaw violation, is certainly frowned upon.
We have also been notified about instances of swordplay (see Article 14.7: “Roughhousing and Usurping”) along with strange screams of death, and prophesying, with accents terrible, of dire combustion and confused events. Also bagpipes. All of this is highly disturbing and disruptive, particularly late at night. In the words of your immediate neighbor Mrs. Rosse, “Macbeth does murder sleep.”
Also note that Article 14.3 clearly states: “No soliloquies after 11 pm.”
Perhaps most distressing, you both have been seen wandering about the complex in an allegedly drug-induced state, babbling about floating daggers (which nobody else could locate), apparitions, and invisible bloodstains. Mr. Macbeth startled several residents when he swore that Mr. Banquo’s ghost was grilling in the gazebo when we all know Mr. Banquo is still wintering in Florida. Mrs. Macbeth, meanwhile, caused a stir with her cries of, “Out damned spot!” while relentlessly sniffing her hands, effectively clearing the pool area and ruining Timmy Seward’s 10th birthday party. On a personal note, I am gravely concerned about Mrs. Macbeth’s well-being, as there has been no sign of her since this incident.
Finally, it has come to our attention that Mr. Macbeth was involved in an altercation outside his balcony this past Saturday, said balcony being heavily fortified in violation of Article 10.2: “Decorations and Barricades.” At the goading of Mr. Macbeth, several individuals were involved in unauthorized pruning at nearby Birnam Wood and carried several downed branches with them to Dunsinane Estates. After engaging with Mr. Macbeth, the individuals threw them about the grounds in a disrespectful manner. They likewise damaged several trellises, left behind several unsightly corpses in the guest parking area, and trampled Mrs. Lennox’s rhododendrons.
As a consequence of all the above, the condo board is left with no choice but to impose the following penalties: a fine of $2000; your removal from the condo association board; beheading. We understand that this course of justice might seem odious to you, but foul is fair and fair is foul.